If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Wikigenius