If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”