If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
guys I’m going home
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
When you’ve simply given up.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.