If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired