@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
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@animaldrumss: [overhears guy saying economy is bad] [later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow. At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.