@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Lerky: Me: you're like heroin. Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me? Me: No, because you're ruining my life.
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"
@kyle_thatisall: Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn't think she needed a nap either.