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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I hope it’s French Onion!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night