8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy