@CVTBaby: If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don't laugh.
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@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.
@droidbears: [caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit
@djdarrellripley: Jehovah's Witness': Have you given any thought to the afterlife? Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there? J.W: Why yes.. [slams the door]
@fillthevacuum: Please be the blood from a horse's head Please be the blood from a horse's head Please be the blo... Nope, just peed the bed again