If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.