@IamEnidColeslaw: If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don't have to go to work tomorrow?
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@TheToddWilliams: My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
@StevenKJohnson: Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
@ComedicBust: Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17? Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.