If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
You Might Also Like
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.