If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon