If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You Might Also Like
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take