@caseytduncan: If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@Dawn_M_: If I were a werewolf I wouldn't have to chain myself up at night because I don't like going out anyway.
@NicestHippo: DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*
@JD_Barney: I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"