If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.