If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
wait.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
black phone good
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches