If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?