My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You Might Also Like
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
They also CAN sing✌️
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Worth a try
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Seems kinda suspicious
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been