If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You Might Also Like
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.