If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Clients after you give them your rates
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Hank is one in a melon.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.