@landonashworth: If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
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@BoogTweets: Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh…
@AndyAsAdjective: "Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream? HAIR: Yeah! RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we're not.
@hippieswordfish: *suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy's face interviewer: ummm
@joe_binkley: Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.