@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
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@trumpetcake: Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
@CraigBanksArt: Dear #Athiests Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
@AristotlesNZ: Me: I said no cookies! 4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia! Me: How'd you get amnesia? 4yo:.. Me:.. 4yo: I don't remember. Me: Well played..
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."