Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
😂😂
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway