@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.