If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
You sure about that?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school