If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Trains are just sideway elevators.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!