If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You Might Also Like
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
a god among men
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.