If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.