If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?