If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself