If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
saving face 👀
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.