@TheMichaelRock: If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you'll be dead soon.
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@thatUPSdude: Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
@LostFelicia: The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn't want to cruise with me again) many.
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain