Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
concern
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.