I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A dad and his duck
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.