If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
You Might Also Like
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
this is the news I live for
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Are you ok, human???
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.