@OhNoSheTwitnt: If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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@KenJennings: There's nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.
@eddie_ferrero: [FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL] INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks. ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry. INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
@david8hughes: [slides $5 to paramedic] Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don't make it
@mellimelle: Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.