If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
TEETH IS INNOCENT