#SCOTUS one-star review
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings