Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
You Might Also Like
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
The days of good grammer has went
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.