If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is