@1evilidiot: If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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@KyleMcDowell86: [cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car] [I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
@JamesCoolie: The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that... it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine - William Shakespeare
@jonnysun: sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
@secondofhername: Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.