If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER