@1evilidiot: If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Honey, I'm upstairs! *undresses on the run like Superman* Be right up! *stands naked in doorway* Wife: Do you remember... Pam: Hi
@Parentpains: Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.