If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*