@Xalqee: If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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@ComedicBust: Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
@KalvinMacleod: [pearly gates] ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven ME: ok ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns ME: abSOULutely *clouds turn to fire*
@iwearaonesie: wife [text] I'm so proud of you for sticking to your diet me [can't respond because there's powdered donut on my fingers]