If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.