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[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house