My Guy
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT