Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
so this horse walks into a bar
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂