Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?