if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
You Might Also Like
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.