if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
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Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.