If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*bites zombie*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
We all have our pet causes.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
You sure about that?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again