If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
😅🤣😂
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When I said I liked it rough.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer