@InternetHippo: If all millennials suddenly died the next day’s article would be “How millennials are driving up funeral costs”
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@TheRobCee: "I need a car. What do you have?" "Well, we have a Subaru Outback" "But what kind of Subaru?" "Outback" "I don't CARE where you keep it..."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [in court] Judge: You're the prosecutor? Prosecutor: Yes. Judge: So then who is this? Me: (flips hair) I'm the prosecutest.
@SamuelHLowe: - I'm here to register for the pessimists' club. - Is the glass half empty or half full? - What glass? - Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
@jakob_huber: One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.