Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Cucumbers Anonymous
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
6: are snakes just neck?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
#TopTip
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one