Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
🤣🤣💀
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.