Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.